Unix/linux distros explained as bikes
August 2, 2021 — August 2, 2021
It is difficult to distinguish all the different Linux distros. Have you ever tried to work out what a new one is from its inscrutable web page? What is the unique selling point of each? Why Ubuntu? Will Fedora make me fat? Does Budgie match my complexion?
Most of the distros only tell you about some obscure relationship to another distro that you also do not know much about. From this, you learn that the Linux family tree includes fractal divisions and sub-sub-subdivisions into different families and sub-families, but they do not talk to each other on family holidays.
The only logical way to deal with this is to simplify the taxonomy by relating each distro to something more familiar. I am familiar with bikes. So here we go.
1 Ubuntu
You saw Ubuntu advertised in a glossy magazine and ordered it.
The bike arrives. It is magenta. It has three brake levers, four gear shifters, and two drivetrains, all from different manufacturers. That must be useful, you suppose, or why would they have made it this way? Geez, it does seem pretty heavy.
2 Pop!_OS
It’s the same make of bike as Ubuntu, but there is a leaflet explaining that it is much cooler actually. You don’t know about that, but it is nice that they have a normal number of gears and brakes, and the paint job is a bit less eyeball-scraping, for sure. It would be nice if the included manual were for this bike instead of the Ubuntu one.
3 Debian
Debian is the same make of bike as Ubuntu, but upon opening the box you find it has no wheels. Instead, there is a note inside explaining that they ship the bike without wheels to protect your freedom to choose your own wheels.
4 RHEL
You inherited this RHEL bike from your grandfather. He rode it to school when his family was too poor to afford a new-fangled motor car. It is still perfectly good. It might not look great but you can always fancy it up with a lick of paint. There is some leftover house paint in the shed, why not use that? So what if they don’t make modern parts for it and you need an arc welding machine for basic repairs? They don’t make ’em like this anymore.
5 NixOS
A bicycle which claims to have 35 speeds, but looking at it, seems to be a fixie. Except… it has two gear shifters, attached to… nothing? Every time you flick the gear shifter on the right-hand side, the entire drivetrain vanishes and is replaced by a new drivetrain with different-sized gears. If you flick the shifter on the left side, it changes the make of the bicycle, clicking through different models, frames, and wheels. In some settings, the wheels are hexagonal for no adequately-explained reason.
6 MX Linux
Your MX Linux bike arrives by mail order. It’s a perfectly ordinary mid-range bike, although it comes pre-decorated with Antifa stickers.
7 Kali
You order the bike online. When you wake the next morning, a glossy black bike is waiting, fully assembled, in your bedroom. You heard nothing. …Is it looking at you?
8 Tails
This simple little fixie is surprisingly serviceable and seems both robust and safe. It has a weird paint job that seamlessly camouflages it against whatever background you leave it in front of. After a while, you lose it.
9 Arch
You order a bike. A box arrives full of bike parts.
10 Gentoo
You order a bike. A box arrives full of design files to 3D print bike parts.
11 Qubes
Wow, this bike is a real slow, heavy, overengineered monster. So unwieldy! It takes ages to get up to speed! And so long to stop! In fact, when riding it one day you fail to stop at the intersection and get T-boned by a passing sedan, dying instantly. However, then you respawn, completely unharmed, 50 metres before the intersection, and get to try again.
